Want to see you

I really need to see you

Just to know that you are real

Time is passing so slowly 

You are all I need to heal

Memories return

Sleep comes and sleep goes
All my thoughts are of yours
Tossing and turning
Thinking and smiling
Then thinking some more
You are what I dream of
Nightmares all gone
Bruised and battered
Memories keep washing ashore
Still drawing breath
As beautiful as before
I'm slowly picking up pieces
Of my shattered soul
Yet knowing soon I will
Once again become whole

No one outside

A window, open curtains, empty room, obligations, chores, 

boring conversations, 

more chores, 

telephones ring, 

doors open, doors close, 

time passes, 

my mind has wandered of

Searching for my heart

Who rests by your side

The sun is up but there is no light

No glances to share

Nothing to smile for  

The benchs unoccupied

Everyone's here

But I don't care

Miss you so much

I look outside

There's no one there

My heart is yours

My minds a mess

There's no way one can love you anymore 

Or think of you any less

On the edge

For the first time in months I am able to breath.
Still on the edge, still a bit scared
Was it a dream, will it all fade?
Two hours of sleep yet wide awake
Darkness crawls slowly back to it's den
Yet will I ever be my former self again?

A bright new day

Good morning :)

Happy

Just happy, that's all...

Sleepyhead

Sleepless nights are asking for their toll

Mind heavy, heart lightened, silence broken

A nameless call my soul makes

Maybe it's better that it wasn't answered

Still a little piece of courage is left then

Good to know isn't it my love 

My arms still shiver from excitement

Somewhere deep inside a white dragon roars... 

Nightmares and waking up

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night in terror from a nightmare? Well I have...The first few minutes are the worst.

Everything gets blurry, still in panic you look for the monster in the room you have nearly escaped. Every object in the room seems unfamiliar and you can not understand if you are awake or still dreaming. You pant, sweaty or ice cold, you check every each corner in the room. Then comes the hardest part, you try to persuade yourself that it was all a dream. 

You try to tell yourself that you are not dead or followed by a vampire/ghost/Monster of your choice. 

Your loved ones are still alive,you didn't fail the exam etc. That takes a few minutes or more but the after effect is worse. You shiver half in relief half from the horror. You say a prayer, grateful that it was all a nightmare, but somewhere deep inside the horror still lingers. The possibility of it being true sends shivers down your spine. Than you say a prayer if you are a somewhat spiritual person and try going back to sleep. 

What I am trying to tell is waking up from a nightmare takes some time. One must be patient, my eyes are just adjusting to the dim light, my heart still beats in terror of the nightmare, my mind is recovering from a hurricane. I will regain my senses, I am sure of it but I need time. I must wake up and I will, so that I can see everyone's true colours. 

As for emptiness, is it a coincidence you think that everytime one enters the cave of the half death the other one becomes a night guard. Just waiting for an opportunity, that's all and some courage. I know monsters don't exist anymore but still one must regain consciousness and clearity of mind. Patience is much needed. The morning will come and then the doves will be there at your window  sill. 

Celebrian

Is there any truth out there?

For far too long I have been fed things, lies, facts call them what you like,  turning you into a monster. They scared me, threatened me, forced me to tell. They told me I was like a daughter, a sister, an innocent being who is mollested by a culprit , a liar. They told me that you intended to use me, you were after my money and worse. They said that you wanted to blackmail me in order to use me. That I shouldn't answer you, no matter what. She told me that you were happy. That all your misery was a lie. You acting miserable was a game. You never loved me, you never really cared. After being fed that many things at one point I was afraid of you. That's when I told them I received a dove singing a meaningless song , it was me, then the two started to ask me all the time, if I saw ten I told them Only one. They never heard one. And the stories about the light and the drake they know nothing about. Never told them. the window too.  The young one went mad when I said hello to you about a month ago, they scared me so. I was forbidden to look, to utter a single word. They threatened to banish you, they asked me to kill you in my mind. They did everything and I started to believe. What else could I do. I was helpless... I will write some more...forgive me for believing them. It was so dark back then...before the stories...after the stories my mind became clearer and I started to doubt. why would I destroy the only happiness I have, I never lied to you, why would I start now?

Truth

Imagine a life
When you get constantly watched
The fairy queen and the empress
Asking questions all the time
sometimes with anger
Sometimes in concern
Sometimes they smile
And sometimes they burn
To save someone from harm
To keep silent was all I could do
They tell me he lied
That he hates me too
That his feelings are and were never true
They get under my skin
Rip my soul apart
They tell me they do this
So that I stay in the light
But there is no sun where he is not
So I keep to the windows
And search for doves
Which sing me songs
And I sing in return
At first the doves scared me
And that was what I have told
But now as I am not anymore
I said nothing
Told what doves, there are no doves at all
To save what's mine
So that no one knows
The stories I told and were told back
Were kept safe too
But the queens are cunning, ancient and true
They don't believe me I guess
Don't believe him too
Don't kill the doves
Don't kill me again
For hours I cried
In torment and in pain
He doesn't know
What horrors from
I am trying him to save
Believe me
For I can not lie
I didn't try to harm him
I can't go that far

Mulan's Ordeal

I love Disney movies. I absolutely adore them. Beauty and the Beast is my favourite but there are several other movies that I have watched over and over again.

I have an interesting way of thinking you know, when something important happens in my life a scene related to the situation comes to my mind. Yesterday wasn't any different. For as long as I can remember I led a private life, even within my family some part of me felt always lonely and for some other reasons which are irrelevant with this topic I had to conceal my feelings and put on a brave face.

You know the movie Mulan, about a brave young Chinese girl stepping in for her father and goes to war disguised as a man. At the beginning of the movie there is a scene where they tried to sell her off as a bride to be and she failed terribly. Humiliated, heartbroken and ashamed, she returns home and cleans off the makeup, her mask, with her sleeve crying. She asks her reflection and her ancestors with disappointment and shame 'When will my reflection show who I am inside?' . That scene always draws tears to my eyes. I know the feeling all too well. At least I got to be me for a short while, will I be ever again, who knows? 

Sometimes to protect the ones we love we have to conceal our true feelings, joy, affection and even our laughter. Mulan had to be a man and a warrior for her fathers sake, even if that meant to conceal her love to her captain, Shang. 

I had written some more but unfortunately it got deleted... :( but even if I can not rewrite it completely I could write something close.

All I want to tell is that no matter the disguise my heart remains true, let my love surround you even though I can not always be with you, let me be your moon hidden from sight and let me be the sun shining only for you...

To be lost in your embrace is all I want to do...

Masks don't last

To love is to accept someone as he is
With his flaws and mistakes
I saw the real you
From that I am sure
That was why I could always understand
When you were lying
And when you were true
I knew the reason
For the things that you do

Yes you hurt me
Now and then
Perhaps you will
In the future too
Still my heart is yours
And your pain is mine

All I want to say is
If you are sincere
I forgive you
Be assured
No mask lasts forever
And truth always comes through
So one day believe me
The sun will shine for you
And hopefully me too

Chit Chat

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd?

Or did you hug someone just because he reminded you of him?

Well I did...

It was weeks ago

He smelled like him

He didn't knew he did

Why I continued to dance with him he will never know

After all he did step on my toes, and threw me off my balance

And danced awful and was weird

But what's a few toes and bruised legs when he smells like him 

These are little sacrifices I am ready to pay

This is not a poem, just random chit chat of what I keep bottled up inside

I miss his smell, a lot...even the cigarettes...even them, I absolutely hate smoking, but not his way of smoking, He could make loops out of smoke, they were pretty, smelly but pretty.

I am a bit chubbier than before, not because I eat a lot, I want to but I don't

But for some reason my body refuses losing weight

Why not weigh a ton, does it matter? I guess it doesn't...

I made two snowmen a few days ago, actually a snowcouple, they haven't melted yet, yey for me :)

Work is killing me, literally killing me, my legs hurt from all the running up an down, my hip is killing me yet they still call me lazy, Yes I am, deal with it...I am not a robot...I have my problems too...

Every morning I say a silent good morning, and he is still in my prayers every night, and in my dreams too, lucky me.

Did you know before him I didn't fancy facial hair, well now I do

I am addicted to windows, I need some light to shine in my life, I am not made to suffer in the dark

It was always so , and it will always be as such

I believe that where there is a will, there is a way, so I keep that chin up or at least try to

I know this an unusual post...the reason? I am an unusual person haven't you noticed before. I believe in dragons and fairies, that should have been a clue for you.

So that's all I wanted to write, sorry for the awkwardness, just felt like talking, random nonsense, that's all. I miss talking about sweet nothings.

Maybe I should start reading english dictionaries and novels a bit more, I am running out of words :)

I  am considering of writing something a bit more interesting in the future, something novelish, if I find the time...I hope I do.

So I hope you enjoyed this word salad I created, this is my trueself, I don't have to be poetic all the time...

Kisses and hugs, with love and a huge smile  

Celebrian

While The White Lady Weeps

Two days ago it was snowing, and I kept thinking of him, which I always do,  I remembered a single, pathetic snowball, which happened to be thrown very weakly, landing on him and that he smiled at my weak effort. I often imagine him smiling, he had a million smiles and I loved every each one.

My favorite smile was when he was happy, the second when he smiled at me, third was the one which appeared right after he laughed very hard for a long time. It was a half exhausted but content smile. He smiled when he ate something he found delicious, he smiled when he felt desire or something naughty came to his mind. Just to keep him smiling I could have done anything. A friend of mine bursted out once accusingly 'you love him more than you love yourself!'. Well, I don't know exactly...All I knew was that smile kept me going on, made me think all my suffering wasn't in vain. It was him I was trying to find and now I have, He felt like home, he still does...

Once I told him I loved him so much that if I think of him even on my dying day I shall still weep. He didn't believe me I guess. No one does anyway...but I know that I will...as I do every single day.

Every each day since I met him there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of him, even in my darkest days with my wounds bleeding heavily. Every each morning I say my good morning, and  I tell him what happened that day in my mind all day, contemplating his answers, and every night I say a prayer for him as well. It's been like this since I met him. Maybe I should keep a journal for that purpose alone, maybe I will. Last night I saw him in my dream , we were on a trip to his dream city and he was trying to buy a scarf from a tabacco shop with lots of pipes and cigarettes in it. İt was a wide cream, brown, red coloured striped scarf and he was happy to have it. Me, I was just happy to be with him, as always. I think I was trying to buy a blue porcelain house. Anyways...Some nights I see him , some nights I don't. The worst part is I can't remember all of them and that gets me disappointed.

I know I sound miserable, Maybe I am. Sometimes it feels like thay robbed me of my colours, the music in my heart, The only time all day that I feel alive is when I read a few words of his, or catch a glimpse of him. I don't ask for much just enough for to survive my pathetic existence. Breathing ain't living and I am not sure what will survive the storm, me or the void in my soul...am I nothing but a scar I wonder...

I am in turmoil and in constant agony, deep down inside there is a dungeon I built hidden from sight. The shadows of my soul I keep secret say they hear weeping and see a bright shadow wandering off into the darkness sometimes.'The White Lady', She is the one he has awoken from sleep, the evergreen queen, the ungrown child, the woman...the roots of my very being have been shaken and she is the one who suffers the most. She keeps silent and so must I...

Still, 

After all this time, 

Tu mi manchi, mi querido...

Always...

Dreams coming true

I still want to believe
That there are fairytale endings
And hearts pure and true
I want my days to be filled with joy
Good memories
A bright future
And dreams coming true...

17.01.2016
23:10 Sunday

Confessions of a ghost

Have you ever heard your exact same words uttered by someone else, at the exact time in the exact manner. I have...

This morning I read my words written by someone else....and now I am writing. Just because I've felt that I had to...I needed to and I wanted to. 

Last night about 11 pm these were the words I spoke to my best friend...

'Do you know what it feels like? It is as if I have become a ghost you see, haunting the very place I was murdered. I am staring at my killer and it feels as if we are both ghosts...ghosts that are happy to see each other despite of everything that has happened.'

Call it whatever you like,  fate, coincidince, soulmates. It really doesn't matter. What is meant to be is meant to be, that's what I've always told everyone. There are some bonds which are impossible to break.

I wrote a book once about a love that seemed impossible to happen yet happened still. Two souls from seperate worlds who were connected by a bond the two weren't aware of. A fairytale wanted me to be it's writer and then as a gift ( really depends upon from where you look at it cause you know most fairy tales are cruel and the heroes tend to suffer more than any one else in the tale, but that's another topic for you) it allowed me to live it and I am the only one who knows how it will end. I won't tell the details but it was a happy ending, it was a fairytale after all, even though all the hardships and oh yes they suffered both. A friend of mine once told me that what happens in the horrible part was ridiculous and not logical. Yet it happened, I knew it would. It had to be that way. Everything still happens as I have foretold years ago, still I find it scary. A part of me still believes in them but it is impossible to talk to her, nowadays she keeps mostly to herself. No more premonitions for me, not for now anyway.

For the first time in my life I have little worries about the future, I just live the day, one after another. There are tasks, like endless torture sessions, like levels of an endless game. Responsibilities have taken me over. Prudence is in control now and at some point I find the situation so funny. A soulless ghost...that is what I am.

This is what this story has changed me into...an empty shell...I don't take pleasure in sorrow, yet I came to accept and embrace it. It is a part of me now...as are the tears that I have shed. Blood and tears run through my veins, this in an ironic way makes me happy. 

In al that suffering I was made to make a promise, to someone I cared and admired deeply. She found me in the depths of the abyss with a knife on my back,  even though she could have left me to die, she showed mercy on me not letting me turn into seafoam. The deal she offered was simple, the same one the little mermaid made , she asked for my voice. All magic comes with a price...and that was my toll. A world of Silence...

Still, 

Ever is thy sight a joy...

And there will be a light in the window

With a door always open

For a true heart

FEDA

Bazen bu kadar seversiniz...

Cennetten düşecek kadar

Kanatlarınızı unutup 

Onun bir damla gözyaşına 

İçinizdeki nehirleri feda edecek kadar 

11 Aralık 2015 

16:18 Cuma

SUSKUN

Öyle güzel gülerdi ki, dört mevsim birbirine karışırdı...

Çocuk gibi, büyük gibi, ben gibi

Gülerdi ve gün aydınlanırdı

Sesiyle doğardı da sanki güneş

Gece o isterse başlardı

Ben bir damla gözyaşına kıyamazdım

İçimde suskun nehirler ağlardı gizli

Yalan derlerdi sana, konduramazdım

Kanardım da her gün için için 

Yine de susardım

27 aralık 2015 

00:33 pazar