A bright new day

Good morning :)

Happy

Just happy, that's all...

Sleepyhead

Sleepless nights are asking for their toll

Mind heavy, heart lightened, silence broken

A nameless call my soul makes

Maybe it's better that it wasn't answered

Still a little piece of courage is left then

Good to know isn't it my love 

My arms still shiver from excitement

Somewhere deep inside a white dragon roars... 

Nightmares and waking up

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night in terror from a nightmare? Well I have...The first few minutes are the worst.

Everything gets blurry, still in panic you look for the monster in the room you have nearly escaped. Every object in the room seems unfamiliar and you can not understand if you are awake or still dreaming. You pant, sweaty or ice cold, you check every each corner in the room. Then comes the hardest part, you try to persuade yourself that it was all a dream. 

You try to tell yourself that you are not dead or followed by a vampire/ghost/Monster of your choice. 

Your loved ones are still alive,you didn't fail the exam etc. That takes a few minutes or more but the after effect is worse. You shiver half in relief half from the horror. You say a prayer, grateful that it was all a nightmare, but somewhere deep inside the horror still lingers. The possibility of it being true sends shivers down your spine. Than you say a prayer if you are a somewhat spiritual person and try going back to sleep. 

What I am trying to tell is waking up from a nightmare takes some time. One must be patient, my eyes are just adjusting to the dim light, my heart still beats in terror of the nightmare, my mind is recovering from a hurricane. I will regain my senses, I am sure of it but I need time. I must wake up and I will, so that I can see everyone's true colours. 

As for emptiness, is it a coincidence you think that everytime one enters the cave of the half death the other one becomes a night guard. Just waiting for an opportunity, that's all and some courage. I know monsters don't exist anymore but still one must regain consciousness and clearity of mind. Patience is much needed. The morning will come and then the doves will be there at your window  sill. 

Celebrian

Is there any truth out there?

For far too long I have been fed things, lies, facts call them what you like,  turning you into a monster. They scared me, threatened me, forced me to tell. They told me I was like a daughter, a sister, an innocent being who is mollested by a culprit , a liar. They told me that you intended to use me, you were after my money and worse. They said that you wanted to blackmail me in order to use me. That I shouldn't answer you, no matter what. She told me that you were happy. That all your misery was a lie. You acting miserable was a game. You never loved me, you never really cared. After being fed that many things at one point I was afraid of you. That's when I told them I received a dove singing a meaningless song , it was me, then the two started to ask me all the time, if I saw ten I told them Only one. They never heard one. And the stories about the light and the drake they know nothing about. Never told them. the window too.  The young one went mad when I said hello to you about a month ago, they scared me so. I was forbidden to look, to utter a single word. They threatened to banish you, they asked me to kill you in my mind. They did everything and I started to believe. What else could I do. I was helpless... I will write some more...forgive me for believing them. It was so dark back then...before the stories...after the stories my mind became clearer and I started to doubt. why would I destroy the only happiness I have, I never lied to you, why would I start now?

Truth

Imagine a life
When you get constantly watched
The fairy queen and the empress
Asking questions all the time
sometimes with anger
Sometimes in concern
Sometimes they smile
And sometimes they burn
To save someone from harm
To keep silent was all I could do
They tell me he lied
That he hates me too
That his feelings are and were never true
They get under my skin
Rip my soul apart
They tell me they do this
So that I stay in the light
But there is no sun where he is not
So I keep to the windows
And search for doves
Which sing me songs
And I sing in return
At first the doves scared me
And that was what I have told
But now as I am not anymore
I said nothing
Told what doves, there are no doves at all
To save what's mine
So that no one knows
The stories I told and were told back
Were kept safe too
But the queens are cunning, ancient and true
They don't believe me I guess
Don't believe him too
Don't kill the doves
Don't kill me again
For hours I cried
In torment and in pain
He doesn't know
What horrors from
I am trying him to save
Believe me
For I can not lie
I didn't try to harm him
I can't go that far

Mulan's Ordeal

I love Disney movies. I absolutely adore them. Beauty and the Beast is my favourite but there are several other movies that I have watched over and over again.

I have an interesting way of thinking you know, when something important happens in my life a scene related to the situation comes to my mind. Yesterday wasn't any different. For as long as I can remember I led a private life, even within my family some part of me felt always lonely and for some other reasons which are irrelevant with this topic I had to conceal my feelings and put on a brave face.

You know the movie Mulan, about a brave young Chinese girl stepping in for her father and goes to war disguised as a man. At the beginning of the movie there is a scene where they tried to sell her off as a bride to be and she failed terribly. Humiliated, heartbroken and ashamed, she returns home and cleans off the makeup, her mask, with her sleeve crying. She asks her reflection and her ancestors with disappointment and shame 'When will my reflection show who I am inside?' . That scene always draws tears to my eyes. I know the feeling all too well. At least I got to be me for a short while, will I be ever again, who knows? 

Sometimes to protect the ones we love we have to conceal our true feelings, joy, affection and even our laughter. Mulan had to be a man and a warrior for her fathers sake, even if that meant to conceal her love to her captain, Shang. 

I had written some more but unfortunately it got deleted... :( but even if I can not rewrite it completely I could write something close.

All I want to tell is that no matter the disguise my heart remains true, let my love surround you even though I can not always be with you, let me be your moon hidden from sight and let me be the sun shining only for you...

To be lost in your embrace is all I want to do...