Masks don't last

To love is to accept someone as he is
With his flaws and mistakes
I saw the real you
From that I am sure
That was why I could always understand
When you were lying
And when you were true
I knew the reason
For the things that you do

Yes you hurt me
Now and then
Perhaps you will
In the future too
Still my heart is yours
And your pain is mine

All I want to say is
If you are sincere
I forgive you
Be assured
No mask lasts forever
And truth always comes through
So one day believe me
The sun will shine for you
And hopefully me too

Chit Chat

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd?

Or did you hug someone just because he reminded you of him?

Well I did...

It was weeks ago

He smelled like him

He didn't knew he did

Why I continued to dance with him he will never know

After all he did step on my toes, and threw me off my balance

And danced awful and was weird

But what's a few toes and bruised legs when he smells like him 

These are little sacrifices I am ready to pay

This is not a poem, just random chit chat of what I keep bottled up inside

I miss his smell, a lot...even the cigarettes...even them, I absolutely hate smoking, but not his way of smoking, He could make loops out of smoke, they were pretty, smelly but pretty.

I am a bit chubbier than before, not because I eat a lot, I want to but I don't

But for some reason my body refuses losing weight

Why not weigh a ton, does it matter? I guess it doesn't...

I made two snowmen a few days ago, actually a snowcouple, they haven't melted yet, yey for me :)

Work is killing me, literally killing me, my legs hurt from all the running up an down, my hip is killing me yet they still call me lazy, Yes I am, deal with it...I am not a robot...I have my problems too...

Every morning I say a silent good morning, and he is still in my prayers every night, and in my dreams too, lucky me.

Did you know before him I didn't fancy facial hair, well now I do

I am addicted to windows, I need some light to shine in my life, I am not made to suffer in the dark

It was always so , and it will always be as such

I believe that where there is a will, there is a way, so I keep that chin up or at least try to

I know this an unusual post...the reason? I am an unusual person haven't you noticed before. I believe in dragons and fairies, that should have been a clue for you.

So that's all I wanted to write, sorry for the awkwardness, just felt like talking, random nonsense, that's all. I miss talking about sweet nothings.

Maybe I should start reading english dictionaries and novels a bit more, I am running out of words :)

I  am considering of writing something a bit more interesting in the future, something novelish, if I find the time...I hope I do.

So I hope you enjoyed this word salad I created, this is my trueself, I don't have to be poetic all the time...

Kisses and hugs, with love and a huge smile  

Celebrian

While The White Lady Weeps

Two days ago it was snowing, and I kept thinking of him, which I always do,  I remembered a single, pathetic snowball, which happened to be thrown very weakly, landing on him and that he smiled at my weak effort. I often imagine him smiling, he had a million smiles and I loved every each one.

My favorite smile was when he was happy, the second when he smiled at me, third was the one which appeared right after he laughed very hard for a long time. It was a half exhausted but content smile. He smiled when he ate something he found delicious, he smiled when he felt desire or something naughty came to his mind. Just to keep him smiling I could have done anything. A friend of mine bursted out once accusingly 'you love him more than you love yourself!'. Well, I don't know exactly...All I knew was that smile kept me going on, made me think all my suffering wasn't in vain. It was him I was trying to find and now I have, He felt like home, he still does...

Once I told him I loved him so much that if I think of him even on my dying day I shall still weep. He didn't believe me I guess. No one does anyway...but I know that I will...as I do every single day.

Every each day since I met him there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of him, even in my darkest days with my wounds bleeding heavily. Every each morning I say my good morning, and  I tell him what happened that day in my mind all day, contemplating his answers, and every night I say a prayer for him as well. It's been like this since I met him. Maybe I should keep a journal for that purpose alone, maybe I will. Last night I saw him in my dream , we were on a trip to his dream city and he was trying to buy a scarf from a tabacco shop with lots of pipes and cigarettes in it. İt was a wide cream, brown, red coloured striped scarf and he was happy to have it. Me, I was just happy to be with him, as always. I think I was trying to buy a blue porcelain house. Anyways...Some nights I see him , some nights I don't. The worst part is I can't remember all of them and that gets me disappointed.

I know I sound miserable, Maybe I am. Sometimes it feels like thay robbed me of my colours, the music in my heart, The only time all day that I feel alive is when I read a few words of his, or catch a glimpse of him. I don't ask for much just enough for to survive my pathetic existence. Breathing ain't living and I am not sure what will survive the storm, me or the void in my soul...am I nothing but a scar I wonder...

I am in turmoil and in constant agony, deep down inside there is a dungeon I built hidden from sight. The shadows of my soul I keep secret say they hear weeping and see a bright shadow wandering off into the darkness sometimes.'The White Lady', She is the one he has awoken from sleep, the evergreen queen, the ungrown child, the woman...the roots of my very being have been shaken and she is the one who suffers the most. She keeps silent and so must I...

Still, 

After all this time, 

Tu mi manchi, mi querido...

Always...

Dreams coming true

I still want to believe
That there are fairytale endings
And hearts pure and true
I want my days to be filled with joy
Good memories
A bright future
And dreams coming true...

17.01.2016
23:10 Sunday

Confessions of a ghost

Have you ever heard your exact same words uttered by someone else, at the exact time in the exact manner. I have...

This morning I read my words written by someone else....and now I am writing. Just because I've felt that I had to...I needed to and I wanted to. 

Last night about 11 pm these were the words I spoke to my best friend...

'Do you know what it feels like? It is as if I have become a ghost you see, haunting the very place I was murdered. I am staring at my killer and it feels as if we are both ghosts...ghosts that are happy to see each other despite of everything that has happened.'

Call it whatever you like,  fate, coincidince, soulmates. It really doesn't matter. What is meant to be is meant to be, that's what I've always told everyone. There are some bonds which are impossible to break.

I wrote a book once about a love that seemed impossible to happen yet happened still. Two souls from seperate worlds who were connected by a bond the two weren't aware of. A fairytale wanted me to be it's writer and then as a gift ( really depends upon from where you look at it cause you know most fairy tales are cruel and the heroes tend to suffer more than any one else in the tale, but that's another topic for you) it allowed me to live it and I am the only one who knows how it will end. I won't tell the details but it was a happy ending, it was a fairytale after all, even though all the hardships and oh yes they suffered both. A friend of mine once told me that what happens in the horrible part was ridiculous and not logical. Yet it happened, I knew it would. It had to be that way. Everything still happens as I have foretold years ago, still I find it scary. A part of me still believes in them but it is impossible to talk to her, nowadays she keeps mostly to herself. No more premonitions for me, not for now anyway.

For the first time in my life I have little worries about the future, I just live the day, one after another. There are tasks, like endless torture sessions, like levels of an endless game. Responsibilities have taken me over. Prudence is in control now and at some point I find the situation so funny. A soulless ghost...that is what I am.

This is what this story has changed me into...an empty shell...I don't take pleasure in sorrow, yet I came to accept and embrace it. It is a part of me now...as are the tears that I have shed. Blood and tears run through my veins, this in an ironic way makes me happy. 

In al that suffering I was made to make a promise, to someone I cared and admired deeply. She found me in the depths of the abyss with a knife on my back,  even though she could have left me to die, she showed mercy on me not letting me turn into seafoam. The deal she offered was simple, the same one the little mermaid made , she asked for my voice. All magic comes with a price...and that was my toll. A world of Silence...

Still, 

Ever is thy sight a joy...

And there will be a light in the window

With a door always open

For a true heart

FEDA

Bazen bu kadar seversiniz...

Cennetten düşecek kadar

Kanatlarınızı unutup 

Onun bir damla gözyaşına 

İçinizdeki nehirleri feda edecek kadar 

11 Aralık 2015 

16:18 Cuma

SUSKUN

Öyle güzel gülerdi ki, dört mevsim birbirine karışırdı...

Çocuk gibi, büyük gibi, ben gibi

Gülerdi ve gün aydınlanırdı

Sesiyle doğardı da sanki güneş

Gece o isterse başlardı

Ben bir damla gözyaşına kıyamazdım

İçimde suskun nehirler ağlardı gizli

Yalan derlerdi sana, konduramazdım

Kanardım da her gün için için 

Yine de susardım

27 aralık 2015 

00:33 pazar